There’s a fine guy that you meet in passing. He knows your sister, so you begin to ask her about him. You find out he’s with someone but you’re confident you can have him for yourself. You ask your sister to get his number and you decide that you’ll play the “friendship” card. You begin to find out more about him…nothing serious.
As each month goes by he calls and texts you with relationship issues and is in need of your advice. You’re epistemic in that department and decide to help him out. He asks if he can come over, you talk and you’re thinking you’ve made it. You discover the relationship is very rocky and this is your opportunity to push, but not too hard. You want him, but you’re also trying to play it safe.
You find out you’re deeper than you anticipated. You want to stop because you know you’re wrong, but by this time, you’ve made it to home plate and you enjoy what you have. Finally, You have him to yourself. You can now treat him the way he wants and should be treated. If you can take him under your wing, he will be a better man.
What goes around, comes around
As a woman, you pick up on the smallest things, whether it’s an unknown phone number, a woman’s number under an alias’ name, late nights away from the house, lying, accusing you of cheating etc. You become suspicious and your analytical side starts putting in overtime. Putting all of the pieces of the puzzle together but you keep it to yourself until you have substantial evidence.Knowing the whole game plan, all of the moving pieces but you’re studying how to carefully move yours without being noticed.
Coming out of your favourite restaurant one day, you notice a strange and unknown young woman boldly approaching you. With her perfect waist, Beyonce hair and overconfident smile, you both begin a very interesting and lengthy conversation. He comes out and quickly notices the both of you. He’s caught and he knows it. You can see the wheels turning in his head, him trying to figure out how he can get out of his web of lies and deception.
You’ve heard his and hers.Somehow, you stay focused and listen to YOU.You say to yourself, “Everyone makes mistakes and because he cheated once, okay.” You can work on moving past it. You can both work through it because you don’t want to give up on your relationship so quickly.
You give him a second chance but the wound is still fresh. Things are once again going great in your relationship. You feel like you can breathe and relax. But ladies do we completely relax? Not at all. You’re on alert knowing karma was on her way to strike once again but bigger this time bigger.
Karma is a b@#$%
Sure enough, it wasn’t long after, he was back at it. These late nights became early mornings and those early mornings turned into mid-afternoon. Ridiculous? I know. Until you have substantial evidence, there’s not much you can do. What’s that saying? “You lose them the way you got them.”
By this time, you begin to just lay there. At this point, you don’t care; you’re trying to find a way out of the crooked relationship.
The missing pieces that you were searching for are becoming clear and fitting into their appropriate spots. You begin to notice a pattern. You begin to understand his entire game plan.
Here you are… the side chick. You eased your way into his life but the secret addition you didn’t know was there all along, began to proudly show. Just like you, she stayed hidden until she thought she would finally have him to herself.
Lessons learned, lessons shared
- Don’t think that because you get into a relationship with someone who has a history of lying and cheating, you can somehow come to the rescue and change a man. That’s not how this world works. That’s not how life works. He has an agenda just as you.
- Listen to your gut, listen to the people who know him the best and be aware of the red flags from beginning to end.
- Keep receipts. You can write it down or you can keep a mental note but don’t throw away the memories because you can use them in the end to create a case.
- When the sex isn’t good, it’s time to let go of that relationship. When the sex is gone, the relationship is over.
- Walk away as quickly as possible. Don’t stick around to watch the credits, thinking it’ll be a sequel. Don’t give him a second thought. Cut him completely off. No texting, delete his phone number, block him, delete him from social media and delete the photos. Erase any memory of him.
- Understand there is trauma there. There is a reason why he is the way he is. I knew it before I asked him but I wanted to hear it from the horse’s mouth. He stated that his very first girlfriend used him, cheated on him and treated him badly. That whole time they were together, he thought the love he was giving was mutual. Because of his unfortunate past, he decided to do the same to others.
There’s always a reason behind someone’s behavior but you can’t save or help anyone who doesn’t want it. You can’t force anything on them. Celebrating as though becoming his girlfriend will solve the problem because it’s you and you’re completely different than any woman he’s been with, you will be sadly mistaken. They don’t differentiate. You’ll just become a part of the continuous cycle one bad relationship has created.
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